31. August 2023

✦ by Any

Lesedauer: 22 Minuten

OV: An Experience with Abortion.

A Moving Story from New Zealand. Including Bonus Material.

This is the Original English version. The interview was taken in New Zealand, April 2023.

Deutsche Übersetzung hier (German translation here) »Abtreibungserfahrung. Eine berührende Geschichte aus Neuseeland«.

Have you experienced or are you facing an abortion?

Or do you have a woman in your life who is in this situation and whom you want to accompany lovingly? 

You need support IMMEDIATELY? »Then jump directly to the bonus material«.

For you, for all women, I have asked a dear friend about her abortion experience.

She went this way courageously, intuitively and in connection with herself, her baby and her partner.

She went this way for herself and for all of us.

She has helped the large, wounded collective of women who have had an abortion. 

She did so by enabling her soul and her baby's soul to walk the path and find the healing they both needed. 

This was certainly not an easy path, nor was it a quick one.

But she dared to look, to feel and to go in search of healing.

Above all, she dared to follow her soul's call - even if it had to do with death, with farewell and letting go.

This is the dark side of the soul's path.

We all have to walk it, at our own pace and with our own issues.

For some women, this might be an abortion.

As it was for Holly, who gave me her story so I could publish it here. 

Holly's words can give you comfort and strength, they could be a shoulder to cry on and arms that hold you tight, these truthful words see you and your very own story!

This interview is a tribute to every woman who chooses to have an abortion. 

This story is one of thousands.

It doesn't educate, it's no medical advice, it doesn't take away your own decision-making.

It is simply a testimonial, that you may use as a companion on your journey. 

For contextualization: 

Holly had her abortion at 22, we did the interview a little over 1 year later. 

Her partner's name is Liam, and the baby's name is Little Bean.

Holly, Liam and Little Bean live in New Zealand. 

Holly refers to the New Zealand medical system in the parts of her story about the doctor, the abortion clinic, and the therapy at the women's center.

From this perspective, her story is not transferable to a German experience. 

Her feelings, her intrinsic decision-making, and all the effects that the experience of an abortion had/has on her life, her body, and her relationship is a purely female, a human experience. 

I recorded the interview with her in person in spoken form and transcribed it here in written form.

I have left everything in the original except for the deletion of a few "uhm" and repetitions of content.

In a few places I have inserted medical explanations & references, but these are marked accordingly. 

So this is an unaltered story of a young woman and her Little Bean. 

The realization: »I am unintentionally pregnant.«


Hey dear friend.

Thank you for sitting here with me today. 

I do appreciate your bravery to talk about your abortion in public a lot.

This, your story is such an important one that needs to be heard, as it is the story of so many women out there.

What I want to say beforehand:

Whenever you don't feel like answering, don't do it, or just answer another question, if you want to talk about something else.

The headline is the experience of abortion.

So everything that comes with that is fine.

Please don't feel like you have to make a specific story.

Every word you feel like sharing is the right thing to say. 

Ready? So let’s start:

My first question is, what did you feel when you realized that you were pregnant?


Oh my goodness.

I was very shocked but I knew as well because I was showing signs.

My boobs were ridiculously sore, I was feeling very moody, emotions were fluctuating - up and down.

 I think I remember being very overwhelmed.

But also, prior to taking that test, I remember telling myself if I'm pregnant, I am going to have an abortion.

So I'd already made that decision in my head.

It was just the reality that I actually had to go through with all of it.

 Shortly after taking the test I contacted a best friend of mine who I knew was very open to abortions and was compassionate.


We had a very honest conversation about the pros and the cons and whether this is my decision and what is Liam’s decision.

And, yeah, having the abortion was a decision that I already made and then all the emotions came with the reality of the decision, but I was still gonna go through with it.


Would you like to share more about the emotions that came when you saw the positive pregnancy test for real?


It truly was a shock.

I actually took a photo of the pregnancy test and sometimes it pops up on my favorite memories in my phone.

And I feel my body do this weird shock thing every time I look at it. 

And then obviously fear.

Fear of what it's going to do to my body, is it going to hurt?

Just fear of the unknown because it's not an experience people talk about.

It's quite taboo.

I was very sad as well because I never wanted to have to go through something like this.

But yeah, I had to process that deep feeling of guilt because I was dumb and not very precautionary when it came to pregnancy.

I felt somewhat daft and silly, and ultimately I should have been more cautious.

I remember thinking here I am in a situation I never wanted to be in.

I've just fucked up and now there's this Little Bean inside me. 

How the decision to have an abortion was made 


So how did you decide to abort? What were the reasons to go for that option?


It was not a realistic thing to go through with.

I was at the time halfway through study.

I needed to finish my bachelor's degree.

My partner and I though, we'd been together for four years and we own a house.

We were in a position to actually look after a child.

250 abtreibung mit medikamente erfahrung

It just wasn't like the perfect scenario.

Not that you'll ever have the perfect scenario when you are to have a child, but for us - we both knew, in our souls, that this wasn't our timing.

 And financially maturity level wise.

That’s quite selfish, but we just wanted to see the world and achieve our goals and so on.


How did Liam feel and think about that? 


He was honest with me about what he wanted.

He didn't want to have a child and that was his stance on it, but he still gave me the decision.

He said if this is what you truly want and you can’t go through with the abortion, we’ll have little bean and we will be fine.

We’ll make it work, we’ll sort it out.

But I also knew in my heart that bringing a child into the world when both parties are not on board wouldn’t be right and it didn’t feel fair.

And when we next have the experience of falling pregnant, I want us both to be enthusiastic and excited and »wow, this is gonna be so cool.«

But he was sad, as well. 

abtreibung erfahrung forum

I didn't realize how sad he was until recently, after having gone to counseling.

She encouraged me to just have some conversations about his feelings because it was all about me obviously during that time.

And also there was a little bit of excitement because we realized that we could get pregnant together.

And so there were little moments of him touching my belly and kissing my belly.

Special special moments like that, which I think despite it being very sad, also very healing.

And it just helped me acknowledge that it is a real piece of creation.

Even though it's not a full size baby, it's still a soul.


It’s so beautiful that you gave him space.

The man’s feelings, I think, that's something which is usually overlooked in this kind of situation.



And I don't think I did it perfectly.

Because I was like »poor me. I have my body to go through the suffering thing.

We were having a bath together.

sex nach abtreibung erfahrung

I asked him: »Did a piece of you actually want to have Little Bean?«

And he said: »Yes«.

There was something in him that kind of ignited.

 I thought it was just me and my maternal switch.

But he said there was a little piece that was just like »wow!«

But it wasn't the right timing. 


The two of you seem to be deeply connected with each other and with what you went through together.

You did hell of a job there as a couple, even though you’re still pretty young.

I am impressed!

The abortion experience - preparation and procedure


So the abortion itself - How did that go?

And for what kind of abortion did you decide?


So I'll start from the moment I went to my GP, my doctor:

I went and saw her because that's where you have to start the process.

 And she obviously asked me what I wanted to do.

I said: »Abortion!«

She then filled all the referrals out.

I had to go get an ultrasound.

And when I did that, Liam came with me.

 I also had to get a blood test.

And then I had my first meeting at the abortion clinic.

I have come from such a religious background.

I was terrified about how these professionals would respond and I knew my doctor was Christian, as well.

 They are normally quite pro life. 

More about the ProLife-Movement in New Zealand: »Voice For Life «.

And I remember just feeling really anxious and really shameful.

But the entire process was so graceful and very professional.

What I encountered was really encouraging and supportive: »You guys do what you need to do. It's not anyone else's business«, which I was really grateful for.

But yeah, we had our first appointment with the abortion clinic.

That was on a Friday.

The doctor there talked us through everything, we had to sign consent papers, and so on.

And then she gave me my prescribed medication.

I was four weeks, five weeks pregnant so I was able to do the medical abortion.

She gave me basically all the material I needed to do the abortion over the weekend at home with just Liam and I.

I took a pill with her at the clinic.

And then Saturday morning came and I had to take another pill.

And then by midday I had to stick the final pill in my vagina.

It was pouring blood, the final pill is what would help break the sax thing that's around the baby and help it exit you. 

Holly speaks here of the following phenomenon:

»The preliminary stage of the placenta with the chorionic villi forms in the very first weeks of pregnancy. It ensures the transport of nutrients and metabolic products back and forth between the maternal and fetal circulations. After taking [the medication] the uterine lining with the chorionic villi detaches from the uterine wall, the embryo loses its support and thus its supply and dies.«

Translated from this article: »Profemina«.

More about the preliminary stage of the placenta with the chorionic villi here: »Chorionic Villi and Placental Development«

But that whole experience was quite uncomfortable.

To be honest, I won't underplay it: It was very painful.

The most painful experience I had.

To give you an idea of it:  I had a copper IUD inserted into my vagina which sits near the womb, and that was very painful.

And this was just like having that for eight hours, this excruciating cramping.

It got so bad at one point I couldn’t stop vomiting because I was in so much pain.

Thankfully, I was on prescribed pain killers I believe it was codeine and a lot of marijuana.

Liam made sure I stayed very well medicated during the entire process.

And at one point I was definitely hallucinating, all of it was just so overwhelming and I was just staring at the roof.

I was not even on this planet anymore.

But yeah, so the pain level was quite, quite high.

And lots of blood.

I had these huge pads to catch it all.

I could feel the skin or like the sax that wraps around the baby that looks like plastic - You could feel that coming out of me and the doctor said that that would happen. 

(Holly refers again to this preliminary stage of the placenta with the chorionic villi)

Liam came and sat with me supporting me with everything that I did.

Blood was everywhere.

So that was gross.

Then I wasn't allowed to have a bath/swim or have sex for a couple of weeks, while I was recovering.

The doctors treat it like you've had a miscarriage.

Same procedures.

The whole experience was really intense.

Woman are so brave.

What we do and what we put our bodies through. 

medikamentöse abtreibung langzeitfolgen

I know: »No, that wasn't great for my body, but I had to do it.« 

Yeah, and on another level it's kind of amusing.

I grew up very religious and very small minded.

Especially in my teenage years, I was very judgmental.

And I remember saying things like:
»I would never had an abortion.«
»I would never have sex outside of marriage.« 
»I would never do this or that or how could these people blablabla.« 

Today, I feel like the beauty of the universe and God is that it's always like:
»Haha, yeah? You really think that?«

 … And then you end up experiencing all these things that you actually were very judgmental towards and not only do they change your point of view on them, but they change you.

Now I am way more empathetic and compassionate towards that area.


Beautiful words. You trusted the process, brave woman that you are!

What happened emotionally after the abortion? 


So, to get back to an interesting and in my opinion really important part of your story:

What kind of counseling and support did you get? 


The abortion clinic didn't really offer counseling support, like actual professional support.

But I had good professionals that were kind and compassionate.

And then, obviously I confided in some trustworthy friends.

But it was recently. It was actually a year later that I realized that there were things that were still coming up and I needed to talk to someone about. 

I wouldn't have got counseling from my own accord.

Sure, if I had asked, they would have had people, you know, support groups, but it wasn't actually something that they mentioned to me.


So now you're in counseling for specifically that topic or in general and it came up there?


The abortion was the reason I started counseling at the women's center.

I told her the whole story. 

There's always heaps of things that you can bring up during counseling but the abortion experience was what's pressing and I realized it was still a significant wound. 

It was still something that was really affecting me.

I realized this because I was subconsciously still trying to get pregnant. 

I've started the natural cycles app which has been incredible, I had been taking western contraception throughout my whole relationship so natural cycles was an revolutionary choice. 

But I was not taking it very seriously.

And I know, deep down I didn't actually talk to myself about this thing: »I'm trying to get pregnant.«.

But then I realized that me being a bit on the wild side, was because subconsciously, I was trying to fill this weird little void that I hadn't processed.


 That was a very confronting conversation with Liam.

Because throughout when we were having kind of reckless sex, still I would say »yes« to his question: »Would you have another abortion again if it came down to it?«

But then I sat with myself and I was like, actually, no, I don't think I could go through that again.

Because a piece of me is now yearning to have a child despite everything.

 And I don't think that will ever go away until I do have a child.

Living with the experience of abortion today


How is it moving in you today? Was there anything you did for closure?


I was discussing with my counselor the following:

Abortions are not about a physically full grown baby.

It's not like there's something that you can bury.

There's not an event where the loved ones mourn and honour that life.

And so Liam and I never did anything like plant a tree or have our own little funeral.

Talking to my counselor, I realized that that was something that I really needed to do.

And I've written a letter to my Little Bean, which is something my counselor also encouraged me to do.

She said, to write as much as I want.

This process was about talking to Little Bean and provided me an opportunity to apologize and to ask for forgiveness. 

mifegyne erfahrungen

Because you do feel this degree of regret and shame and remorse.

I needed to apologize and say sorry that we couldn't have this life with the little bean.

When you fall pregnant it's like this flicker of memories:

Can you imagine this baby and how you can interact with her?

How your partner will interact with her and love her?

You think about that and then you make the decision to not.

This just cuts you off.

So I've written a letter, and I'll probably write more.

Liam is eventually gonna plant a tree in our garden.

One I get to choose.


Did you feel like you've got an answer from a Little Bean when you wrote the letters?

Is there some energy around this soul?


Yes, very much so. About that, let's jump back to my motivation for therapy again:

The reason I decided to go to counseling was because it was like something in me was permanently changed after having the baby and the abortion.

Something was not the same and I couldn't explain it to anyone.

No one could understand what I meant.

So it was easier to not talk about it.

And I would only talk about it really with Liam, but he's a man, so he doesn't quite understand the connection.

I was just yearning to understand why I feel this way and I spoke to my counselor during our first session about this feeling.

She said that when you get pregnant, that baby's and everything starts to actually alter your DNA.

All your children and babies that you ever receive alter your chemistry as a person. 

This is scientifically proven: 

»Within weeks of conception, cells from both mother and foetus traffic back and forth across the placenta, resulting in one becoming a part of the other. During pregnancy, as much as 10 per cent of the free-floating DNA in the mother’s bloodstream comes from the foetus, and while these numbers drop precipitously after birth, some cells remain. Children, in turn, carry a population of cells acquired from their mothers that can persist well into adulthood, and in the case of females might inform the health of their own offspring. And the foetus need not come to full term to leave its lasting imprint on the mother: a woman who had a miscarriage or terminated a pregnancy will still harbour foetal cells. With each successive conception, the mother’s reservoir of foreign material grows deeper and more complex, with further opportunities to transfer cells from older siblings to younger children, or even across multiple generations.«

That just blew my mind!

There was something special about it:

I used to tell myself that because I had had the abortion there was just a cut off with the little bean.

But actually Little Bean will always be a part of me in a legit and real way - altered parts of my blood or whatever.

She is DNA and that’s beautiful to know.

It was special to know that the baby is a part of me and that's why I feel different.

sex nach abtreibung erfahrung

But genuinely, this feeling was just so hard to explain.

It felt like something's not quite right.

And I had to deal with that and sort that out.

And after having done counseling, I realized that I don't want a baby right now.

I've healed that void and realized I just needed to resolve and talk through what I had experienced.

I had to find closure.

And now I'm actually happy to wait a little bit longer, only being 22.


So you want to have another baby one day? 



And that was special as well because Liam and I were thinking about not having children.

It was especially the way the world is with all of the drama and the chaos.

We were having quite a serious conversation about not doing that.

Now, after having fallen pregnant, we both know that we want to have babies here.

That's special.


So maybe Little Bean came to give you that message and to prepare you for your future kids?


Yeah, very much.

So we shifted our narrative, our motivation and our dreams. 

Breaking a tabu? 


Did you feel like talking to family and friends about the abortion?

Is it still a huge secret in your life? 


Yeah, it's a bit less secretive now. 

So the first person I called was one of my best friends, Tabea. 

Surely that wasn't an incident as she was open-minded and supportive about the whole thing.

I called my two other best friends and then I called my mom which was a little nerve racking because she is religious.

My parents both are and when I say religious, they're not the strict religious people.

They just love Jesus.

They smoke dope, and they have their issues.

My mom, she was honest and said: »You know that I'm pro life, but I will support you!«  

I needed her to affirm my decision in some way which she did.

That meant a lot.

schwangerschaftsabbruch ablauf

So far I’ve told probably about 10 people.

It's been somewhat random who or where I shared my abortion experience, for example at a party.

There was this random girl who brought up contraception and I was able to be like: »Well, actually, I had an abortion«.

I could kind of offer that experience.

And at that point I was, for some reason, confident and healed enough to talk about it.

Another friend’s friend I told just randomly.

And then sometimes I’ve told people and afterwards thought: »Why did I say that?«

And that was also one of the reasons I went to counseling, as I realized, there's a piece of me that is kind of searching for people to affirm me and my abortion decision.

Which I've done my whole life growing up in a Christian environment and always trying to be perfect and people please. 

But initially, I just told my best friends really, people that I knew would not challenge me just be like: »I've got your back!«


Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your story, Holly!

I asked you all the questions I had. 

Is there anything else you wanna share? 

The most important source of strength during this whole experience 


Yes, indeed.

There's one more story that I've been told in the whole process.

An important and good story. Here it goes:

When you make the decision to have the abortion, that's actually coming from the Baby’s soul.

The soul is nudging you, telling you that it's not quite ready for this human experience and it wants to go back up to the spiritual world.

I remember thinking: »Okay, it's not all this weight on my shoulders. I'm not making this whole terrible death decision. It’s actually a collaborative decision.«  

So that was also very special. 

That was the best thing someone had said to me in that really early stage.

 I has just done the test and that was exactly what I needed to hear.


I’ve been told this story during my Doula training as well.

Over the years I learnt that this is something many mothers feel relieved about - that the baby’s soul has something to say in this whole process and that everything is okay the way it is.

It says a lot about the mother, being able to offer this experience to the soul who did not come to stay.

It’s a huge thing to give the baby this ride of passage.

schwangerschaftsabbruch bis wann

It is about the idea of reincarnation.

Every soul chooses its path on this earth before its next incarnation, in order to develop further and to experience the lessons necessary for it.

This is the soul path. 

For some souls this means the radical confrontation with death.

The soul of the mother carries the decision to abort.

She is the adult human being with enough life experience in this incarnation.

That’s where her calling to abort comes from.

She must be a really strong soul, if she has to go through this kind of experience.

And only in this way can she accompany the baby's soul on its very own path.

Connected with this, the baby's soul may also have the task of supporting the parents in whose family it incarnates in healing their own wounds or leading them onto a new path.

As it happened with you and Liam and your new desire to have children. 

… What an inspiring end of your story. 

Thank you Holly, from the bottom of my heart!

Your words are light, healing and encouragement for many women who have the same path ahead of or behind them.

Bonus material: A list of websites informing about, supporting with and even enabling abortion in Germany 

Dear reader,

Here I have compiled a list of sites for you, which can help you in Germany if you or your loved ones face(d) an abortion. 

Be it information, abortion clinics or psychological support. 

As my own website is primarily German, these websites show the German context only (but with a few exceptions which represent a global view on abortions). 


ProFemina offers counseling for unintentionally pregnant women. On the website (Link) you will find the tab "Abortion". Here you will find everything about pro/contra, where and how, the German legal situation, the consequences & risks and the costs. Make sure you select the correct country in the upper right corner (the legal situation changes from country to country). Possible countries: Germany, Switzerland, Austria, Italy, Portugal, International.
Two example articles:  »Abortion methos«  and »Where are abortions allowed«

Woman on Web:

Very important: »Women on Webprovides safe access to abortion pills by mail worldwide. Request mifepristone and misoprostol.« The website is available in 27 languages, including of course an  »Englisch version«. Here you can also find further abortion stories in many different languages: »I've had an abortion«.


»The Federal Center for Health Education has the legal mandate to publish a list of physicians, hospitals, and facilities that have communicated that they perform abortions. The German Medical Association collects this data and updates this address list monthly.«
You can find this list incl. zip code search function on the website of »Familienplanung«, as well as further information around the topic of abortion. 


Another such list exists highly officially from the German Medical Association: »List of the Federal Medical Association according to § 13 para. 3 Pregnancy Conflict Act«.

More about the legal basis:
Federal Ministry for Senior Citizens, Women and Youth: »Abortion according to § 218 Criminal Code«.

Further education by ProFamilia:
 »Abortion«. Also use the »Find Counseling« feature shown on the right here by zip code or online.

 »Doctors for Choice Deutschland«:

A great association that both educates about abortion and networks doctors, even offering training on the topic. There is also the global network:  »Global Doctors for Choice«.

Another important website: »Pro-Choice« 

An association that campaigns for the abolition of §219A!
»The title of $219A in the penal code »Advertising for abortion of pregnancy« is misleading and wrong, because doctors do not advertise abortions, but inform their patients.«

Lastly, I recommend this very good video from Quarks,
 »Abortion: what doctors are not allowed to say«: 

If you have questions, would like to discuss a concern, need a listening ear, or are looking for support in a non-judgmental, loving setting among women, please feel free to contact us.

We are here for you! (english & german speaking) 

In love and deep connection, in gratitude and respect for every single path of the women of this earth,


Lesezeit: 22 Minuten

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